so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
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My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.