*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
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.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.