leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
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Very problematic
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.