Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.