Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.