For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
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I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
thank god
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.