If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
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Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*