Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
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I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster