johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
You Might Also Like
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.