Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Clients after you give them your rates
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.