I was bored.
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It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.