hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent