I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?