word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
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Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem