ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.