Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753