Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
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Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
“i am a sweet baby”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.