A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
#SuperBowl
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!