I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
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Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom