Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
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The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Me too
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
*ernest hemingway voice*
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong