fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
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Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
#catsoftwitter
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.