When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Haha! 😂
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too