*puts my mental health in rice
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Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
this could fix me
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”