“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
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Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
🤣🤣
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.