me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
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Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.