Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Ha.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.