interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
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WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
rapatouille
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
birds and squirrels envy us
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
*serious situation*
My brain:
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.