Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
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I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.