Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
You Might Also Like
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later