Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
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was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
584.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”