“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
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Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
U talkin 2 me?
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired