Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
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The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
This is a bad sign
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.