we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
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I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
2023 was just a warmup
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.