My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
okay run it by me one more time
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”