Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
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Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.