[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
how long have you had this for?
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great