i meant to share this earlier
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lmaaaaaooooooooo
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”