“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.