As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
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You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
How I like cutting carbs
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.