Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
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Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
It鈥檚 not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don鈥檛 you go ahead and have a seat
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That鈥檚 not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don鈥檛 want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 馃槼
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Turned on some old school rap because I鈥檓 the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I鈥檒l be back.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schr枚dinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.