My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
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“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed