*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.