“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
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I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
me as a parent
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I don’t get marriage
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.