[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
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Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
These work great until they don’t.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”