A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
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When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.