Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
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Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*