doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
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Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal