“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
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Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
gentlemen, hear me out
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.