Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.