They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
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[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.